I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Breaking news:
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again