‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
You Might Also Like
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
oh you wanna fight?!
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule