If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Mhm.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?