There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.