I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”