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My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”