The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.