Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
You Might Also Like
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”