Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 馃憥鈿狅笍 #FallonTonight
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we鈥檝e made a lot of progress here today.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: I guess I鈥檒l take four dollars
Wendy鈥檚 Drive thru cashier: That鈥檚 not how the dollar menu works
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I鈥檓 still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor鈥檚 appointment. Why? I鈥檓 down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won鈥檛 be ignored.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash