Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
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My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I think the cat got the dog high.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside