I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
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Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
You deplete me
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!