Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.