DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I would like even faster food.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?