my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.