Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
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“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.