I’m good, thanks.
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.