*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!