Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs