[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute