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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
You had me at “define legal”.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Me, reading some of your tweets
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.