Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
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Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine