Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
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Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend