“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery