her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.