I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
You Might Also Like
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.