If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
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Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
opening a flower shop called women in stem
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
honestly, i need both:
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.