This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: