Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.