[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me