Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…