A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.