I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.