Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
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If I ignore life will it go away?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.