Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Batman v Dracula
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.