Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Bread puns are on the rise!
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.