Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams