ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
You Might Also Like
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
me hooking up with my ex
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time