God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food