You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Nice try Hitler
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Home #decor warning.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”