*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on