I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
#Caturday
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…