Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
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Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Eat…
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*