3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
S M O L
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.