Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
You Might Also Like
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit