[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!