[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
This will never not be funny 😭
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.