3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.