You wish you had this many chins.
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V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*