I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire