Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
There is no “we” in chocolate.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐